Have you ever been called names? Perhaps you’ve had someone tell you what they thought of you and it was a less than glowing? Recently, I was called out for being unethical, abusive and, my personal favorite, “unyogic” (not very yoga-like for those of you outside the yoga world). When I shared this person’s description of me with my friends and family they mirrored the truth of who I really am and confirmed that these words did not describe me. Sticks and stones and all that aside, words still sting even when untrue. The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali teach that our thoughts become coloured by our experiences, our imagination, our memories and even by what other people tell us. It is our work to discern which thoughts have become coloured and which ones are clear and true. It is important that we don’t let the impressions that others have of us frame the belief of who we are.
I am so very grateful for the experiences of these last few weeks. I have had a number of people choose to leave my business and my life in this time. In letting them go there was the most amazing space created in my heart. In the space they left behind there was a silence; a stillness. This stillness has revealed to me a profound sense of purpose and clarity. I have spent a great amount of time these past couple of weeks taking stock of my life and recognizing the people in it who truly know my heart. All my life I have been what might be considered a serial socializer (we won’t talk about the serial dater I was in my young adult years…well, at least not in this entry). I make friends easily and I am comfortable being vulnerable and sharing details about my life that others may consider embarrassing or worthy of shame for I see these stories as opportunities to share in our humanity. In each stage of my life, I have had great “friends” and when the stage was over so too were those friendships with few exceptions. Flowing from one place to another without attachment has always come naturally to me. I recognize that this is not always easy for those in my life who grip to the way things have always been. I have learned from the teachings of Yoga and Christ that truth is paramount so I haven’t been able to hide behind the false protection of passive aggressiveness in my relationships. This position of honesty doesn’t allow me to pretend that the world is all butterflies and rainbows. I understand that before both of these beautiful outcomes there are spiny caterpillars and viscious storms. You must have both. This is life.
The truth of who I am is beautiful. Inside this heart of mine is a space that is unpierceable, pure and Light. In it exists the secrets of my soul that when revealed feel as scary and exhilarating as standing naked in the sun. In the past couple of weeks, I have experienced the loss of team members, the realization of the true nature of some personal relationships, the death of a student, I’ve set my full course load for starting University this fall, applied for student loans, returned to teaching yoga (yippee!), introduced and trained 15 new people at the studio and begun the work required to sell my business in the future. Remembering the truth of who I am has been hard in the surges of anxiety that come with great change. It is in the precious moments over coffee, huddled at the campfire, sharing lunch, giggling over hilarious texts, morning cuddles, spilling Facebook confessions and embracing in tear-filled hugs with people who offer love without boundaries that I remember. I remember that I am a child of God. I remember that God will always provide me with everything I need as I walk this path of self-realization. God will send the people to walk beside me, support me, challenge me, help me, hold me, accept me and love me… without conditions…always.
“Dear God, Thank you for helping weed the garden of my life. Thank you for making room amongst the rows to grow the relationships and the behaviors that consistently bear the fruits that nurture my life and feed my soul. Amen.”