There is a heaviness that consumes me. I would be lying if I were to tell you that there is nothing but elation and joy that has come from my recent decision to follow what I believe is my true path. Many folks have said to me that it must be so great to know what you are supposed to do. I get that but I still find myself wishing a little bit that I would just wake up and everything would be back to “normal” – whatever that means.
I have been floating on the surface of my life for 38 years with the knowledge of who and what I am buried in my soul. I liked it that way – buried. By nature, I love to be warm and cozy; held close. The way I have been living is like the duvet on my bed; heavy and safe. Every now and then I have thrown off the comforter and jumped out of its safety and into the rapture of my life. But, all too quickly I have turned back and jumped back into comfort’s waiting arms. This is my pattern and it has been the easy way for me. It has allowed me to feel less and until now I have been okay with that.
It is scary to be in what I call “the flow”. It is that place where you are completely emerged in the will of the Divine. It moves fast and purposely pulls you out of the familiar stream of what you think you know. Being in this torrent requires an enormous amount of faith. When I am there I am afraid that I might burst into a million pieces. I am terrified to completely break open and so I am guilty of holding back. The potential of who I am scares the hell out of me. I know that God empowers me to move mountains but I have only been willing to play in the sand. What I know and what I believe are two very different things (I am well aware that this is the root of most of my suffering by the way). Am I worthy? Why me? Why can’t I just keep “getting by”? Is this really what God wants of me? My doubt is my comforter.
What would happen if I just threw it off once and for all and simply let it lie. What would it feel like to stay uncomfortable and open to what God is pulling me towards. Can I learn to trust that the hand of God is my One and true comfort and will feel safe if I stop resisting and let myself be held in it?Dear God, Bear with me. I am still not ready to trust completely. I want to so badly but am struggling with wanting to know everything that is going to happen. I accept that you have a plan for me. Grant me the courage to surrender to your Will. Amen.